Surprised January 10, 2008
Posted by Renato Vargas in On any given day.1 comment so far
Just when I thought I was going to lose my job, life surprises me. It turns out that, not only did I have my contract renewed, but they are paying for my MBA and sending me to Norway for a couple of weeks. Things just have a way of working out. I just wanted you to know. Yay!
An imaginary weapon January 7, 2008
Posted by Renato Vargas in On any given day.Tags: alter ego, christmas, highlander, imaginary, killing, sword
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Since this blog deals with my alternative personality, I am going to describe an item that I always carry around imaginarily, which proves very useful when dealing with undesired people. I must warn that this one is a bit violent so if you tend to have nighmares, come back tomorrow; I’ll write about something less brutal. I guess I’ve been using imaginary weapons since I first watched an episode of Highlander: The Series where the guy was almost naked, and he pulls a sword out of nowhere. Either he was carrying it in his ass, or he imagined it. I prefer to imagine my weapons. There’s just something about sticking things up my ass, that I’m not quite comfortable with.
I thought to myself: “How cool would it be to have a medieval weapon ready to do some damage when needed?”. I haven’t left home without it ever since. It is useful in all kinds of situations where you can’t actually explode because of reasons beyond your reach. For example, when your boss tells you at the last minute that you have to turn in a report, exactly the afternoon you were planning to leave early for a date with a hot redhead. Of course you have to sit down and do the damn report, but your alter ego can mentally balance the situation just by pulling out the old sword and beheading him with one clean swing.
How about that government clerk that says “I’m sorry sir, but you filled out form 8378793-C, and you had to fill out 8378793-F” after standing in line for almost an hour? You can’t actually grab him by the neck because of many reasons dealing with good social behavior, respect, and tolerance. Although, it’s mostly because it’s a federal offense. But you can well take out your imaginary ball-and-chain with spikes, and make him look to the right for the rest of his pathetic little life. That is, of course, if his eyes remain in their sockets.
There are many variations to the “imaginary weapon”, like light sabers that you activate in a crowded elevator, making some instant room. One of my favorites, is just talking into your sleeve, saying “shooter, take the shot!”. A bullet comes out of the bushes and voilá, annoyance eliminated. That one is reserved for relatives that are making a fool out of themselves in front of your new girlfriend.
On december 21 I had a Christmas gathering with some of my highschool classmates, that served the purposes of an “eight year” reunion. I never graduated with those guys. I had to repeat the year because I failed German. That night, I remembered why I had been so happy, never having to sit among them anymore. Some of them were boring and the rest were, and still are, assholes. My alter ego, patiently waited by the door, setting up the gadget’s mechanism as I went around the big table saying good bye to everyone. We walked out of there keeping our cool, and as the big wooden doors swung shut, my alter ego just let a granade slide inside the room, dismembering those bastards and blowing everything to smithereens.
It’s just therapeutic. What is your weapon?
Boys toys January 5, 2008
Posted by Renato Vargas in On any given day.add a comment
I don’t know whose idea it was to put interesting gadgets out there for one to drool over. It used to be the case, that I wouldn’t get affected by cool apple commercials. It was probably because i couldn’t afford it, but now that I can, it’s just horrible. I just can’t resist. I’m writing this post from my brand new iPod Touch, sitting in a cafe. This thing is very cool. I do have some issues with wordpress, but I love it. I’m even listening to my music as I do this. This just means that it is going to be easier to keep up with this blog 365 thing. No cool and witty posts yet, sorry.
I joined the challenge January 4, 2008
Posted by Renato Vargas in On any given day.add a comment
After numerous months of no posting, here I am again. This time it’s serious. I joined the blog365 challenge. Now I have to post for 365 consecutive days or there will be a very disapointed online community feeling sorry for me and calling me a loser. Well, probably not, but still, this is a great oportunity to engage in something entertaining and meaningful for a whole lap around the sun. You should do it to. This comes from a great personal need for developing new habits; and postitive ones.
About a week ago, I started reading a blog called Zenhabits. The author offers all kinds of advise in the form of lists, about achieving goals, productivity, being organized and a number of other things. I read about 20 of that blog’s posts the first night I stumbled upon it. It is wonderful; a must read. I realized that the type of advise that is given there is not entirely new to me, neither is my attitude towards it. You see, I have a tendency to reinvent myself every once in a while. The problem is that I don’t make the changes permanent. If I had to define my behavior, I’d say I’m cyclical. I’m often very disorganized in my daily life, but from time to time I get the urge to obsess about order, and I start planning every minute of my day, clean my room thoroughly, and throw everything away. I exercise competitively and I work very hard at whatever I’m doing at the office. Of course, the ethusiasm wears out eventually and about a month and a half later I’m back to procrastinating, growing a belly, and living in filth. And the trouble is that I don’t make a habit out of little things like waking up at around the same hour every day, or writing down a to do list at a specific hour.
I guess that what I’m trying to say is that I’m going to commit to something right now, and I’m going to develop the habit of blogging daily. I am hoping that by the fourth of february I can call that a habit, have a more-than-one reader base, and move on to bettering myself in a more tangible way. I think that the next month I’ll work on making a habit out of something work related. I’ll let you know how that goes. Don’t worry, I promise my next post will have more sarcasm, clever observations, and witty puns. See you tomorrow, bye.
Sympathetic Premenstrual Syndrome? August 6, 2007
Posted by Renato Vargas in On any given day.2 comments
We’re all well aware of the nightmare women have to go through once a month. If there’s a God, that was just evil of him. I can imagine that moment. “Okay, so far we’ve got compassionate, caring, loving, and dedicated, besides doing most of the house chores and cooking, yeah, cooking. What more should I have women do?” -God asked one cherubim, who was holding a bottle of Merlot, after a long day’s work. The little bodiless creature, pissed drunk as a little head with wings can be after a bottle of red wine replied: “I don’t know for sure, but we sure want more of this red stuff.” “Hmm, red stuff, eh? I’ll see if we can work something out”, the Lord answered.
In retaliation, women decided to get pissy right before that happened and turn into evil bitches. Of course, how else do you think cherubims became extinct? Women drove them crazy to death with mood swings and constant moving of furniture! But lately, I’m starting to think men aren’t all that different in that sense, after all.
You know men constantly think of sex. That’s a given. But trust you me, sometimes, it’s overwhelming. It gets to a point were all you see is boobs and butts walking around in the street. Hormones play all sorts of tricks on me, during a month. Or there’ll be days where those Johnson & Johnson baby shampoo adds get me crying like a little girl. And I can’t stop! Sometimes, I hate everything and everyone, and then, it starts all over again. And I didn’t use to be like this ten years ago. Back then the thinking of sex part was predominant. I don’t know if it’s the constant exposure to cellular phone interference, the endless amounts of monosodic glutamate (whatever that is) I ingest through noodle soups, or the mid twenties crisis, but I’m begining to think that we have cycles too. It could also be sympathetic mood swinging. You see, I am very attached to the women around me. It’s just that I think that women are ever more interesting than men, intellectually, in average, so I spend more time sharing stuff with them. Plus, they are the only ones that get my jokes right away. I really dread having to explain Adolph in accounting why seeing the dog from Family Guy in a banana costume singing “It’s peanut butter jelly time” makes me laugh. Women just laugh with me, and some are willing to get naked in the process. Couldn’t ask for more.
Maybe this sympathetic PMS just goes away eventually, or one just has to learn to live with it. I just hope it never gets to the point where I know the difference between “with wings”, “maxi”, “slender”, “deodorant” and “mini”.
